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Dear VH1,
Congratulations on your recent reinvention, which has successfully
transformed you from the last stop for old Carly Simon videos into the go-to place for
footage of potential Flavor Flav girlfriends spitting on each other.
As the onslaught of "Celebreality" has taken over, the ratings have soared
higher than Danny Bonaduce on pay day, and your knack for
turning D-list entertainers into A-list entertainment never ceases to
amaze.
But now, with "Dice: Undisputed"
finally wrapped, we're getting a little concerned. Resorting to
f-bomb-dropping comedians who can't even swear on your channel (and who
already failed a career reinvention with a "family-friendly" sitcom a
decade ago) seems particularly pointless. These days, with The Donald done and Anna Nicole over and out, our world needs fresh
reality blood more than ever.
You've got the ratings, and you've got the dough, so here are a few
stars we'd rather see you attempt to lure to the dark side. Take our
advice -- grab one of these people for your next show, and let the Dice
roll. |
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Carrot Top
Everyone is aware of him, but how much do we really know about
the former king of 10-10-321 pitchmen? If you think about it, he
seems like the perfect Frankenstein creation for reality television,
just like George Hamilton's bad
tan, Danny Bonaduce's makes-no-sense buff body, Flavor Flav's
irrelevance and Tom Sizemore's inherent
tendency to do something darkly insane at any moment. Add in the
fact that he has, at this point, essentially the same face as Janice Dickinson, and Mr.
Top seems perfect for an "Osbournes"-type show,
following him around the stage, the gym and his undoubtedly enormous
mansion. It would be worth it just to get a look at wherever he
stores all those damn comedy props. | |
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Natasha Lyonne
At the age of 19, she became a household name; now, she's closing
in on 30 and you likely have no idea who she is. The crazy-eyed New
York actress rose to fame in the unexpected blockbuster "American Pie," and since has spent nearly
a decade as the poor man's Tara Reid. These days,
she'll occasionally resurface to trash Michael Rapaport's
apartment, remind police officers that she's a movie star, or
threaten to sexually molest a neighbor's dog. The bottom line is
that she got kicked off "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"
at age 8 for her erratic behavior. How could you not want to point a
camera at this woman? | |
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Jeff Goldblum
Last we checked, the ratings for "Raines" weren't
exactly setting the world ablaze, and for good reason: Goldblum has
become bigger than any character he could ever play. The guy is a
larger-than-life personality who is either brilliant, insane or a
bit of both, and his well-documented love life is the stuff of
legend (Geena Davis, Laura Dern, Kristin Davis -- he was
even recently linked to Nicole Richie!). The time
has come for someone such as the caliber of the "Independence Day" star to let the cameras
into his life. Just imagine the random conversations he must have
with fans, those weird voice-over recording sessions for Apple, and
the look on some directors' faces when he shows up for an audition
and goes "Goldblum" on a script for the first time. At worst, the
show wouldn't work. At best, it would reveal a willingness to laugh
at himself that could turn him into the next Christopher
Walken. | |
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